Gratification in Sin to Gratification in Christ

I grew up in the Church.  Looking back at my life, I cannot recall any times when I doubted the existence of God.  As a younger Christian, I just assumed that most of my peers had similar experiences.  I assumed they went to Church, at least for holidays like Christmas and Easter, and that they knew about the death and resurrection of Jesus, and what that meant for salvation.  I assumed that everyone at least had an idea of who God is.

Of course, I was wrong.  In fact, I really had no idea who God was.

Then, there was a time when I believed in Christ, but reveled in sin.  Thinking back to this makes me feel weary.  Somehow, I was able to find ways to justify my lifestyle.  I convinced myself that the Bible was irrelevant and outdated, that all I need to know was the love that Jesus bore for us... and that living in sin wasn't actually denying God.  I still believed; and that is really all that matters, right?

I knew little, and understood less.

Now, years later, I find myself more clearly recognizing the severity of my nature, and the severity with which I need Christ.  This advent season I am taking time to reflect on the precious gift that God has bestowed upon on us.  And a beautiful gift it is.  God has been faithful to me regardless of where I am on my walk with Him.  I have denied God more than I have accepted Him, yet it would seem that God still yearns for me to come to Him.

As I grow in spiritual maturity, I realize how little I actually know and understand.  I am eternally thankful for a Father in heaven who is concerned with my holiness, so much so that he would send Jesus to sacrifice himself for our shortcomings.  My hope is that God will continue to teach me and grow me, beyond this advent season and the next.  

Christ will come again, and I hope that you will know Him too.

Whole30 In Review

Oops.  I wrote most of this post within a few days of completing the Whole30, but didn't take the time to finish it until now (a little over 3 weeks post W30).  So, here it is:

Done.

No more Whole30...just life after.  What do I do now?

First, let me tell you how I feel.  In one word: bittersweet.

Oh, and if you have been considering doing a Whole30, I highly recommend it! What are you waiting for?

I really love the way I am feel when I am in the smooth-sailing, cruising along, this is easy-peasy portion of the Whole 30.  Let me give you a list of some of the health benefits I have experienced:

• clear skin
• increased energy
• better sleep (less sweaty nights?)
• headaches nearly gone
• decreased moodiness
• no more bloating
• increased digestive performance (that's the nice way of saying 'good poop')
• decreased anxiety (this one is questionable)
• confidence (I think this ties closely with energy)
• mind feels more clear
• learning to listen to my body

What I don't love about the W30 is saying no to foods that I enjoy to eat, taste, and experience. 

We finished our official Whole30 a couple weeks ago, and immediately jumped on an airplane to visit family in Denver.  Initially, Jason intended to go to Denver for the Great American Beer Festival.  It turns out tickets were impossible to come by, so instead we attended one all-day event visiting Oskar Blues and their various venues ranging from a hop farm, to bike fabrication shop to brewery tour (and that wasn't all!).  We had lots of fun, but it also meant beer plus non-W30 compliant foods.  While we ate pretty good for the remainder of the weekend, I continued being lax about choices and definitely enjoyed some wine and beer with the family.  I should also mention that I came down with a head cold, so it is difficult to know what symptoms were a result of sickness versus food.

So, what were my symptoms?  Like I said, hard to say since I wasn't feeling my best to begin with...and we were in Denver where you instantly feel dried out (no amount of chapstick was adequate).  I was dehydrated, not sleeping well, and had a mild headache.  I did notice that I was a bit more gassy than I was a few days previous (and that, I'm sure is not attributable to the head cold!).  A few days later, after eating some dairy and bean products, I definitely felt some uncomfortable, hmm...let's call it 'gut action'... other than that, the most noticeable difference is the lethargy I feel.  I can tell my energy levels are much higher when I eat W30.  Little bumps on my arm that disappeared during W30 have since returned, and overall my skin just isn't looking quite as healthy as it did a month ago.  I haven't done a proper reintroduction like I intended, so I haven't taken the time to learn which of the foods I should eliminate from my life entirely.  I think that will be another adventure for another day. 

While this adventure has helped me to further identify how much control food has over my life, it has not fixed my relationship with food.  It has only been a few weeks, and I feel vulnerable.... the walls of the little cave where I shoved my sugar dragon are starting to crumble.  One small jolt to the foundation and I might find myself diving head first into a tub of ice cream.  Right now, I'm going to try to focus on finding balance in my life.  Allowing myself small indulgences can be okay, I just can't allow the sugar dragon to let loose in those moments, I need to keep it safely confined so that it withers away...and maybe, someday the dragon will be no more.

I think, finding balance is key.  And, locking up the dragon is not for the feint of heart.

Elephants Tomato Orange Soup

Sometimes, you want something warm and tasty.  Sometimes, you want soup.  Perhaps, most of the time you don't like soup.  That's me.  Most of the time, I'm not a fan of soup.  I'll pass.  Most of the time, I never quite feel satisfied with soup.  You go through the whole labor of soup, and it takes me forever to slurp it down...and then, still hungry.

But this soup...this soup is worth the effort.  It does not contain any protein, so this soup is best served as a side or with a nice salad.  I was thinking the savory flavor of bacon might compliment this well, but I have yet to try.  A couple of months ago, I ate this soup along with a simple baked chicken breast.  And, I have modified this soup to be Paleo/Whole30 compliant.

Anyways, here it is.

Elephants Tomato Orange Soup
recipe adapted from the blog of Elephants Delicatessen

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup clarified butter or coconut oil
• 1/2 medium onion, diced
• 2 (14 1/2 ounce) cans diced tomatoes
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
• 3/4 cup fresh orange juice
• 1/4 cup water
• 1/2 cup coconut milk

Directions

• In a saucepan, melt coconut oil or butter; add onion and sauté until translucent.
• Add tomatoes, salt, pepper, baking soda and thyme. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered about 15 minutes or until slightly thickened.
• Puree in a food processor or blender (I used an immersion blender and left some chunks for texture; if you want it smooth you can also strain your soup here).
• Return to saucepan and stir in orange juice and water. (You could use a full cup of orange juice here and omit the water; I wanted to dilute the sweetness of mine a bit).
• Add the coconut milk and adjust seasonings if necessary (I added an extra splash of coconut milk to make the soup a little thicker and creamier). You can drizzle coconut milk from your measuring cup or can for a decorative look.

Enjoy!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Half Marathon

If you had asked me a year ago, I would have claimed that there was no way you could ever get me to participate in a half marathon. 13.1 miles? Yuck. Euw. What's the point?

Well, two days ago I completed one.

I am having a lot of mixed emotions.  I am mildly glad that it is done, but mostly I feel disappointed, angry, ashamed, and I'm actually a bit embarrassed to be writing this post. I hope no one reads it.  If you can't tell, my pride is quite bruised.

This is a challenge for me...I had always talked about how COOL it would be for me to do a half marathon.  I hate running long distance, but this would really push me to the limits.  I would train.  Perhaps I would even start to like running... and then, I might call myself a runner. So I did it, I signed up to be a runner.

That word. Runner. I feel like so much is attached to this word.  It must mean you are in shape. You can run distances that normal people only dream of.  You are fast. You are strong.  People would look to you in awe when you tell them you just did a quick 6 mile run (or more!).  You smile as your feet hit the pavement and you feel the breeze on your cheeks.  You are at peace, in a world full of chaos.  It would mean you are so many things that you are not, right now.

Okay, so that was cheesy, but do you get what I'm saying? 

It's a lie.  And I fell for it.

I ran a half marathon, and afterwards I didn't feel like a runner.  I am not impressed with myself.  I have all sorts of excuses as to why my run didn't go as I had wanted it to.  However, that's all they are - excuses.  Now they are just little bits and pieces of irrelevant information.  I'm not really a competitive person... I used to be, back before I had hips and could eat whatever I wanted without ever feeling guilty, so I normally participate in events like this for some social aspect (prime example - Ragnar).  Therefore, finishing a half marathon, by myself, is a very big deal for me.

At the finish line, the 2400 or so half marathon participants were happy to be done, smiling and taking selfies with loved ones, presumably.  Actually, I think most of them were already gone, off to lunch, or dipping in an ice bath, who knows. Fantastic.  I didn't see anyone I knew in the crowd, I'm not sure what I expected... maybe just a little bit of that feel good, look what I did feeling, but it wasn't there.  I filled my water and headed to my car.  I really just wanted someone to hug, I suppose.   Then, I ran into a friend who had run the 5k earlier.  Yeay!  We briefly talk about some of the reasons why I was disappointed, and eventually, she tells me "You just need to get out of your head".  And I got my hug.  I was invited to join her and friends for pizza, but declined for two reasons. 1) I was starving and chances are good there was nothing Whole30 in that restaurant, and 2) I wanted to go home and mope.

I felt alone.

Pathetic?
Yes, pathetic.

Jason was out of town until later in the evening. He knew I was upset.  After he got home, he made me a fabulous (and Whole30) dinner and asked me who I was comparing my performance to. Dangit Jason, there you go again.  He made a good point, I achieved my personal best half marathon time on Sunday.

So, why am I upset? I am so petty.  I had two ridiculous things going on here.  First, I felt awful and wasted precious moments making myself miserable by agonizing over my terrible time.  Terrible compared to WHO?  I kept telling people I didn't care about time and that I just wanted to cross that finish line anyways... turns out my mind and my heart had some fundamental differences on this one...darn that heart, trying to find new ways to deceive me!  The logical part of me was only expecting to do as well as I trained to (duh).  Does my pride always make me so pitiful?

Second, while I had initially planned to do this run with Jason and friends, I eventually signed up (with full knowledge that they may not) because I decided to run this for ME.  I decided to set a goal and finish a half marathon. I did have a fabulous friend cheer me on just after the 5 mile mark, and this was the highlight of my run.  I wasn't expecting her to be there, because I did not ask anyone to be there.  While I was running I heard plenty of cheers from bystanders (and even gave a few high fives), but it turns out I really wanted someone to be there FOR ME.  I cannot say how much my friend at mile 5 meant to me...seriously, if you know someone doing an event like this go out and show them some love!  At the finish line, I just so desperately wanted someone there to be proud of and celebrate with me.  I should have gone out to lunch and ate the darn pizza.

Why do I care so much about trying to impress other people?  It's not like I ever had any chance of being a real competitor.  I got off the couch, made it to the start line, and didn't collapse at any point during the 13.1 miles. I kept going. This is awesome! I finished a half marathon!  If I do another (as if anyone could ever convince me of such a thing, ha!) I would definitely do it a bit differently (Jason claims I'll be training for another in no time at all, and he is probably right).  I would like to run with someone, and have a training partner.  Whether they run at the wildly slow pace my legs can muster or race ahead of me, we can at least meet in the beer garden and take our own celebratory selfies.

The half marathon may not be my forte.  I might find that a 10k hits my sweet spot, or maybe even that is beyond what I consider 'fun' running.  And that's okay.  Regardless, I still plan to put on my compression sleeves and take a spin in my running shoes, because even at my happy 4 miles, I am a runner.

You do not need to be fast.  You don't need to be strong.  You don't have to be ashamed by the small distances you put on your shoes.  You don't have to be embarrassed and justify yourself.  1/2 mile to start, I dare you.  All you need is to go out and DO IT.  Nike nailed it on this one.

Whole30: Helpful or Harmful?

Wow - we made it to day 18. Week two is over, and then only a couple more days until I can start a single digit countdown.

As I mentioned before, I like to read the Whole30® timeline. I find it incredibly helpful to know how this way of eating changes your body - and the side effects to get there.  Day 12 was awful for me.  I was in a crabby mood, I really wanted a beer...like REALLY. It was hard.  I was being pretty moody, and guess who had to deal with it? My dear husband. He is so great.  Sometimes, I get so mad at him because he is so lovable...it's pretty silly.

Anyways, we were in the car heading to an Elysian tap takeover (that's right, I scheduled my Whole30 during Bellingham Beer Week.  Apparently my subconscious really wanted to test my willpower).  I could have stayed home, but Jason needed (and wanted) to be there for work, and I like hanging out with him. So, we are on our way there, and I can't recall how the conversation ended up there, but we started talking about my terrible attitude. Oh boy, you can only imagine me - eye rolling, big sighs, looks that could kill...I told Jason I was ready to quit Whole30, that it was a terrible idea, and dumb, and he preceded to ask me "Why are you doing the Whole30?" Ugh, this made me fume. I got so mad, because he asked what I did not want to hear.  I think my response was pretty childish and snobby, somewhere along the lines of 'It doesn't even matter, I'm quitting anyways'. 

Oh Jason, most of the time he knows just the right amount of tough love that I need. (Jason, if you are reading this, please don't let this go to your head, I need hugs, too!).  He said something, and responded with another snarky remark, but he got me thinking.  He asked again what the purpose was for me spending 30 days eating healthy.  I pulled out my phone, looked up the timeline, and read this:

Days 10-11: The Hardest Days.

Fact: you are most likely to quit your Whole30 program on Day 10 or 11. By this point, the newness of the program has worn off. You’ve made it through most of the unpleasant physical milestones, but you’ve yet to experience any of the “magic” the program promises. You’re still struggling to establish your new routine (read: you’ve eaten eggs prepared ten different ways over the last ten days), and while you’ve been trying really hard to have a good attitude, today you are incredibly aware of all the foods you’re “choosing not to eat right now.”  Everywhere you look, you see the things you “can’t” have: the melted cheese on a greasy burger, the creaminess of that double-scoop cone, the cold beer in your best friend’s tailgate cooler. Dammit, this is hard! And right now you’re wondering if the results will really be as good as “they” all say it is.
You’re cranky, you’re impatient, and you’re really, really tempted to just eat the stupid cheese. 

This is where you really start to experience the psychological hold that your food habits have on you. You’ve put in a lot of effort to get to where you are right now, but you’re still waiting for the results you’re hoping to see. Your  brain tells you that you deserve some kind of reward (don’t you?) and, of course, we’ve been conditioned to think of food as the best reward out there. Right now, you’re craving that ice cream, beer, or whatever treat you think would make for just the right reward. But, instead of that treat, you’re standing face to face with the realization that you have 20 more days of deprivation ahead of you.

The key here is to redefine your idea of reward.  Think long and hard about the foods you’re grieving and ask yourself what need you’re expecting them to fulfill.  Are you feeling anxious and looking for reassurance?  Are you feeling sad, and looking for something to cheer you up? Are you worried you won’t successfully finish the program, and it’s easier to self-sabotage than fail? Remind yourself that food cannot fill that void for you—cannot make you feel truly accomplished, comforted, calm, happy, beautiful. Then, find another way to fill that need that does not involve those foods. Prepare yourselves for these days, knowing that all you have to do is see them through to the other side before things get much, much easier.
- See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/#sthash.qertFxTS.dpuf

Well, poo. This sounds familiar.  Meanwhile, Jason is still talking to me and I'm ignoring him, which he notices and brings me back to our unpleasant conversation.  I snap at him with 'NO, I'm reading the timeline!' At which point, I can't help but feel my lips start to twitch with a small smile.  Then, I read the timeline to him.  From there, reality hits me and I apologize for my appalling behavior. 

I was thinking about it this morning, and at what point is taking on a challenge like the Whole30 detrimental? I was reading through some of the website, and stumbled on this link The Whole30 Gone Bad. Yes, yes, and yes!  A challenge like this is NOT for everyone.  While the intent is to improve health, it could also be debilitating for someone who already struggles with issues such as eating disorders, or a poor self image.

Something I have been thinking about as I endure this go around, is how this affects me emotionally, and even more importantly, spiritually.  I want to make sure that I don't turn this little challenge (because let's face it, this IS little and quite insignificant in the scope of things) into an idol.  I want to use my time to glorify God, and to be thankful that I have the opportunity to do this....  I live in a place and have resources so I CAN be choosy about food.  But, I have to make sure that I don't lose sight of what really matters, just because I can't eat bread...right now.  I'm hoping that practicing discipline in this area of my life will help me focus better in other areas- such as improving myself as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and sister. 

Perhaps I'm reaching a little too far here, but I'm hoping this self improvement will lead to good things in those other areas of my life. 

Whole30: Week 1

 

Thank goodness for black coffee.
 

I think that's all I have to say...

....


Just kidding. There is so much to say about this adventure.  Right now, I'm feeling good.  I think having attempted a Whole30 before gives me a better perspective.  Knowing what to expect is the hardest part - I mean, you're just eating healthy, it can't be that hard, right? Actually, it IS hard, and I think the biggest challenge right now, is explaining my choice to other people.  Some are encouraging, and even interested to know how it's going, others tend to taunt you by waving ALL the yummy things you can't eat in your face...or by asking you to hold their beer...which is just plain rude.  


Sweet Potato hash w/egg

Overall, compared to my prior experience, I think I am doing great.  I haven't had much in terms of cravings.  I have been a bit tired physically, but my mind feels clear.  My digestive system feels like it is adjusting, and I'm noticing I need to eat more.  This weekend we stocked up our fridge and actually planned out our meals, so I will be having yummy sweet potatoes for breakfast this week, paleo lasagna for dinner (complete with leftovers for lunch), then Italian herb chicken alfredo (made with coconut milk) and Cajun pork burgers, among other things. 

  On Saturday Jason and I went for a short run, and I was miserable.  Day 5 = Ø Energy. Sunday evening we did a slightly longer run and then played indoor soccer, and I felt a bit more alive.  The half marathon I'm running is only 3 weeks away, so I'm hoping my physical energy improves quickly!  I developed shin splints back in July, so I took most of August off for running, and finally had no pain while running this weekend (!!!!).  I'm disappointed that I didn't spend the month of August training, but my goal is to complete the half marathon, not collapse halfway through because my shin splits in half.  My only competitor is me, and I'm in it to win it!  Oops, rabbit trail... anyways, I felt slightly better about exercise the last few evenings, and hoping it only gets better from here.
 
There are a couple of folks who have embarked on the Whole30® adventure with me, and it has been encouraging to touch base with them and compare experiences (my loving husband is included in this, but he has decided to allow alcohol).  On Saturday, my dear friend Amanda and I went to a birthday party.  The party consisted of chicken and carne tacos, lots of yummy sides and desserts, tasty beer, and intriguing mixed drinks.  I am proud to say that we made it work! No IPA, no Kettle Chips, no alcohol, no cheese...we did it.  We brought Pico de Gallo and guacamole to share, which we smothered over our plate of meat. It was delicious!  Amanda has a harder time staying hydrated, so she got creative with her H2O by throwing fruit in a jar with her drinking water, which she kept refilling all day.


Seriously, this was an awesome meal:



Plate of Carne Asada smothered in Guacamole and Pico de Gallo

 

As a group, we have noticed our bodies adjusting to this different way of eating. Whether it be headaches, digestive issues, tiredness, or in my case yesterday, disorganized speech and thought (not sure if this was from W30 or just my normal self), our bodies are rebalancing in response to our better food choices.  Don't worry, I'll keep you posted to let you know about the GOOD outcomes of this adventure - we just have to finish the 'cleansing' phase (if you can call it that) first. 

The Whole30 website has this great timeline outlining what to expect from your mind and body during the program. 

Have you ever done a cleanse or some other type of healthy eating challenge? If so, how did it go for you? What helped you succeed?

On to week number two.



Whole30: Day 1

First days tend to be simple and exciting. Today is not that. 

I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have a headache, my eyes are heavy, and my overall mood is mildy morose.  You know how sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation? Well, I feel that way.  One more day off might have done the trick.  Or maybe not.  Who knows?

This last weekend was a bit of a whirlwind, it involved a wine and cheese tasting at my home, then a weekend away with friends.  Friday night I discovered that we didn't have any hot water at home. Unfortunately, at that point in time the hardware store was closed, and we were leaving first thing in the morning for a trip to a rustic cabin (which had NO running water).  Thankfully, come Monday evening, we were able to boil water for a bath.  Meanwhile, my clever husband repaired the water heater so we had hot showers in the morning.  I am so thankful that we live in circumstances where I never have to go without these amenities - I also feel a bit petty...but that's not what I'm here to discuss today.

The moral of the story is that we were either busy, or I was  'busy' being lazy, and did not plan out my week of meals.  I'm going to try and keep it simple this week, and perhaps get more creative for week 2.


Today, I had:

• Breakfast - Black coffee and quiche (crust made with zucchini)
• Snack - Banana
• Lunch - chicken and salad
• Dinner - sweet potatoes and steak bananas, nuts, blueberries (long story, NOT a great dinner. Oops)

I should also mention that I do intend to 'cheat' on my Whole30®.  My oldest brother is getting married in a couple weeks and while I will try to choose Whole30 foods, I'm not going to stress about it. (I know, the Whole30 website says there are ways around it, and you shouldn't have to bend the rules for this or that event).  My brother will have home-brew there, so I will limit my beer intake to a couple tastes or 1-2 small pours, and I'll probably skip on the wedding cake.  I will also probably extend my Whole30 by however many days I 'cheat', so if I cheat for rehearsal dinner and wedding day, my 30 days will extend until  October 3rd.

I have also debated adding back quinoa, because quinoa seems to be a 'grain outlier'...but I haven't decided yet. 

I am disappointed with my poor time management which did not allow me time to cook my steak, but overall, I would say Day 1 was successful.  29 more to go.